Baby Turtles Killed My Marriage

One day, I was messing around online and came across a Youtube video. In it, baby turtles were hatching and making their way to the water. I watched it once, twice, a dozen times, riveted to the screen for reasons I couldn't really understand. All I knew was I wanted to be there, on that beach in Florida, seeing this firsthand.

But I couldn't. My husband cared not at all for things that weren't interesting to him. He routinely got fired from whatever jobs he could find, so we were always broke. He was also a diabetic who refused to take care of himself, and medical emergencies were becoming commonplace.

I started wondering what it would be like to have my own life. One that didn't revolve around one incredibly selfish person after another. What would it be like to not have to carry the burden and responsibility of a relationship all by myself? To be committed to someone who actually saw me as a real, live, human being? Or even just be committed to myself, living my life the way I wanted?

The lies, the drama, the never-ending stress--in that moment, I realized my marriage was over. I was done. And when I'm done with someone, there's no going back.

We separated not long after, though it would be awhile before we actually got the divorce. Two years of barely speaking to or seeing one another. I kept being asked if I was upset to finally get the divorce, and I still don't understand. He lied to me. He lied about me. He told people I was abusive. Anything to attempt to turn people against me. I cared about him, but I was never in love with him. And he never saw me as a person. I was convenient and willing to be used.

When I saw him in court, it was like he was a stranger. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around the fact that this person had been important to me. And when it was over, the only thing I struggled with was wondering if I should say any last words. But what?

"Have a nice life."

"Thanks for wasting six years of my life."

"Congratulations on your impending wedding. Idiot."

In the end, I said nothing. May we never cross paths again.

I've since crossed watching baby turtles hatch off my bucket list. In theory, it sounds neat. But then I remembered that a good portion of them don't make it to the water before being eaten. Running up and down the beach waving my arms and screaming "Nooooooo!" to make sure they all reach the water safely is not my idea of a good time.