That's Not My Happily Ever After

  Many times, when a female abuse survivor tells her story, it ends with her finding a healthy relationship. Now, all experiences are valid, and I am always happy to see a difficult story end on a good note for the speaker. It can encourage those who are thinking of escaping, or those who are in the process of escaping. Anything that inspires someone to make a better life for themselves is a good thing.

The problem is the commonly held belief that one is defined by their partner, or by their relationship. We see it play out in personal stories, books, movies, and hear it in songs. “Someone loves me even though you didn't.” It's triumphant. It's validation. It's increasingly seen as the endgame. Without achieving this goal, you haven't “won”.

I take issue with that. I may have more relationships during the course of the rest of my life. I may find someone I want to keep around long-term and it might be a healthy relationship. Or I might choose to just stay single. I don't see single as a bad thing. I think it's good for people to be able to be comfortable with their own company. I am not bitter. I'm not broken. I don't disparage anyone for having or wanting a relationship. I admire those who are more resilient than I am. No matter what, they pick themselves up and give someone else a chance. They know what they want and they'll keep looking until they find it. It takes me a long time to even think about sharing my life with someone else again once a relationship goes bad. There are others who fall as fast and hard as only usually very young people are able to do. It terrifies me to observe, but I think it's neat that they can do that. I just don't have it in me. I don't think I ever did.

But I finally have a place all my own again. My abusers have no power over me. I have some of the most amazing friends and family. I have a dog I love more than anything. I live in a beautiful place in the world. My life is nowhere near where I'd like it to be, but that doesn't negate the fact that there are so many wonderful things about it. I have experienced so many things I never could have imagined, some so surreal I can hardly believe that they really happened. And most days I love living in this strange world of ours.

The truth is, my happily ever after is not a person, and I'm not waiting for it.

I'm living it.

Right now.