Baby Turtles Killed My Marriage

One day, I was messing around online and came across a Youtube video. In it, baby turtles were hatching and making their way to the water. I watched it once, twice, a dozen times, riveted to the screen for reasons I couldn't really understand. All I knew was I wanted to be there, on that beach in Florida, seeing this firsthand.

But I couldn't. My husband cared not at all for things that weren't interesting to him. He routinely got fired from whatever jobs he could find, so we were always broke. He was also a diabetic who refused to take care of himself, and medical emergencies were becoming commonplace.

I started wondering what it would be like to have my own life. One that didn't revolve around one incredibly selfish person after another. What would it be like to not have to carry the burden and responsibility of a relationship all by myself? To be committed to someone who actually saw me as a real, live, human being? Or even just be committed to myself, living my life the way I wanted?

The lies, the drama, the never-ending stress--in that moment, I realized my marriage was over. I was done. And when I'm done with someone, there's no going back.

We separated not long after, though it would be awhile before we actually got the divorce. Two years of barely speaking to or seeing one another. I kept being asked if I was upset to finally get the divorce, and I still don't understand. He lied to me. He lied about me. He told people I was abusive. Anything to attempt to turn people against me. I cared about him, but I was never in love with him. And he never saw me as a person. I was convenient and willing to be used.

When I saw him in court, it was like he was a stranger. I couldn't quite wrap my mind around the fact that this person had been important to me. And when it was over, the only thing I struggled with was wondering if I should say any last words. But what?

"Have a nice life."

"Thanks for wasting six years of my life."

"Congratulations on your impending wedding. Idiot."

In the end, I said nothing. May we never cross paths again.

I've since crossed watching baby turtles hatch off my bucket list. In theory, it sounds neat. But then I remembered that a good portion of them don't make it to the water before being eaten. Running up and down the beach waving my arms and screaming "Nooooooo!" to make sure they all reach the water safely is not my idea of a good time.

That's Not My Happily Ever After

  Many times, when a female abuse survivor tells her story, it ends with her finding a healthy relationship. Now, all experiences are valid, and I am always happy to see a difficult story end on a good note for the speaker. It can encourage those who are thinking of escaping, or those who are in the process of escaping. Anything that inspires someone to make a better life for themselves is a good thing.

The problem is the commonly held belief that one is defined by their partner, or by their relationship. We see it play out in personal stories, books, movies, and hear it in songs. “Someone loves me even though you didn't.” It's triumphant. It's validation. It's increasingly seen as the endgame. Without achieving this goal, you haven't “won”.

I take issue with that. I may have more relationships during the course of the rest of my life. I may find someone I want to keep around long-term and it might be a healthy relationship. Or I might choose to just stay single. I don't see single as a bad thing. I think it's good for people to be able to be comfortable with their own company. I am not bitter. I'm not broken. I don't disparage anyone for having or wanting a relationship. I admire those who are more resilient than I am. No matter what, they pick themselves up and give someone else a chance. They know what they want and they'll keep looking until they find it. It takes me a long time to even think about sharing my life with someone else again once a relationship goes bad. There are others who fall as fast and hard as only usually very young people are able to do. It terrifies me to observe, but I think it's neat that they can do that. I just don't have it in me. I don't think I ever did.

But I finally have a place all my own again. My abusers have no power over me. I have some of the most amazing friends and family. I have a dog I love more than anything. I live in a beautiful place in the world. My life is nowhere near where I'd like it to be, but that doesn't negate the fact that there are so many wonderful things about it. I have experienced so many things I never could have imagined, some so surreal I can hardly believe that they really happened. And most days I love living in this strange world of ours.

The truth is, my happily ever after is not a person, and I'm not waiting for it.

I'm living it.

Right now.